Is It Safe to Leave Kids Home Alone? Expert Advice for Nervous Nanna

Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column.  Have a question for Care and Feeding?  Submit it here .

Logan Sachon is a Slate advice editor who is guest-writing Care and Feeding today.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son and daughter-in-law have two girls who are 7 and 9. They are making a parenting choice that I think is extremely unsafe.

My son is gone at work during the day, and my daughter-in-law works from home. When she needs to run errands, she will often leave the girls home by themselves. She justifies it by saying that she will only be gone for 30 minutes. It can take less than one minute for a tragedy to occur!

My son is unconcerned about this; he says the kids arent toddlers and should be fine for such a short duration of time. I live about two hours away, so coming over to stay with the girls isnt an option for spur of the moment things, but Im so upset about this that Im considering moving to be closer to them so I can. In the meantime, what can I do to convince my son and his wife that they are inviting disaster if they keep this up?

Nervous Nanna

Dear Nanna,

Im a big fan of the Serenity Prayeryou know, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, etcand I think its good to remember that other peoples parenting decisions almost exclusively fall into the category of things I cannot change.

Not always, of course. When kids are in danger, we have to do what we can to keep them safebut based on the info you shared, its not clear to me that leaving your granddaughters alone for 30 minutes or an hour is actually endangering them. Its also not clear to me that it isnt.

SAFEkids, a non-profit focused on childhood safety, recommends 12 as the minimum age a kid should be left alone, but emphasizes it can vary based on the kid. The American Academy of Pediatrics doesnt have hard and fast guidelines on when a kid can stay home alone, also emphasizing that a childs maturity is more important. The law also leaves it murky. Most states do not designate a minimum age when a child can or cannot be left home alone. Where there are rules, ages vary from 6 all the way up to 14.

As you can see, theres no consensus on whether 7 and 9 is OK to be home alone (except in a handful of states, where its illegal). Other than that, its a judgement call. I am not sharing this to downplay your concern, but to point out that this is not a black-and-white issue, but a difference of opinion and risk tolerance.

Before speaking to your son about this again, you need to get clear on exactly what youre concerned about here. Id read through this article and think about your granddaughters, as you know them, while you do it. Some questions that may come up: What are your granddaughters like? Where are they developmentally? Have you observed behavior that makes you think they might be incapable of following directions and making good decisions? Does the younger one listen to the older one? Do they fight a lot? Do they egg each other on? Do they get themselves and each other in trouble? Is there anything especially dangerous about the house, like an unsecured guns, an ungated pool, a steep cliff or water on the property? Do your son and daughter-in-law follow other safety-proofing guidelines, keeping meds out of reach and locked up?

I think if youre having trouble coming up with concrete reasons other than their age and anything can happen, that may be a sign that your risk tolerance is just different than your sons.

Whether you find that you have acute concerns or just a more nebulous sense of danger, I do think it would be reasonable to ask your son to have a discussion with you about it to help ease your anxiety. Id approach this conversation with curiosity; youre not asking him to justify or change his mind, but to share his thinking with you to help you feel better about it. He doesnt owe you this, but it would be a nice thing for him to do for you, in my opinion. Tell him youve done the research, you respect his decision, and you understand its largely a risk-tolerance thing, but youd be ever-so-grateful if hed humor you in talking you through the reasoning and safety measures hes taken with the girls. Good luck. Dont sell your house. This is going to be OK.

Logan

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